Robbins Abroad: rough nights

Elijah has been waking up a bit in the middle of the night with teething problems. It's so sad and I always have compassion on him and want to cuddle him during the day. However, when it's the third time in 2 hours, well, I get a little annoyed. I find myself getting mad at him for interrupting my sleep and not going back down quickly. It's so wrong though!!! The poor little guy has only been alive for 5 months! He has sharp objects literally ripping through his soft tender little gums, and cannot communicate his pain with words and so he must cry. Why am I only willing to sacrifice and serve when I have already planned to do so? During the day, I am awake and aware of my motherly duties. I am prepared to meet his every need, as well as teach my class, bring food to my sick neighbors, etc. But when the opportunity for service comes at an inconvenient or unexpected time, my heart becomes cold and I am frustrated to be burdened by whatever has come up.

So here is my question: why in the WOLRD has God called ME to be a mother? Why has He called me into missions with my state of heart? Doesn't he know how selfish I am and that I actually do not love people the way He asks, no wait, COMMANDS me to?

I get discouraged thinking about how inadequate I am. Not only am I inadequate, but I actually do things that will damage the very precious thing that God has placed in my care. Sure, Eli and I make up each day, and he forgets how frustrated I was with him the night before. But, soon the day will come when he remembers the harsh things I will do and say to him in the midts of frustration. I do not look forward to that day. Please, this is not a self pity thing, but I've really been thinking about how amazing it is that God gives us responsibilities that He knows we are bound to mess up.

With missions, wow. I cannot begin to confess all the many times I have turned away from a person in need or how many times I have cut conversations short because they were getting in the way of my agenda. Do I really have the heart of a misisonary? Can Dan and I commit to live in a foreign place loving and serving a people who are so different from my own?

Here comes the encouraging part. Of course we can!!! I can be a mother and a misisonary and a wife at that, all because of two things:

1. Christ has already died for my sins!!! I am forgiven for the ones from yesterday, last month, last year as well as today, tomorrow and the years to come! I am not bound to them, and so there is grace even in the daily (and nightly) frustrations and sins against my son, my husband, my co-workers and the people we serve here and those we hope to serve in the future. Because of Christ's death, God is able to bring me close to Him. Not only am I able to be in His presence again, but He actually wants to use me in the work of His kingdom, which is bringing more souls to Himself. I only pray that I would show grace where I have been shown grace.

2. "...whoever serves is to do so as one who is serving by the strength which God supplies; so that in all things, God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belongs the glory and dominion for ever and ever, Amen." 1 Peter 4:11
Scripture makes it clear that I am to serve with God's strength. I obviously cannot do it on my own. I have already failed too many times to claim that I am able to serve perfectly. But God knew that I wouldn't be able to complete the tasks myself, and so He speaks to that in His word. This is so that He will be glorified and people will come to know Him because of it.

These have been my thoughts lately. God is working in my heart, showing me that He is able to do all things and if I am resting in Him, He will use me to do some of those things. He will also supply enough grace to cover all of the terrible sins that I have done/will do during my service.

And now, pictures of my sweet forgiving boy:

Lately, Elijah spends part of his tummy time contemplating life while looking out the front door. He will seriously stay like this (below) for 15 minutes without moving! Yeah, I guess we can confidently say he is a thinker.

Eli is sporting his 'new' hat. Since his head has grown, he is almost too big for his brown one. The problem with this one is that he can pull it off!